Bungie Jump

There was this truck driver who had to deliver five

hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving

his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down.

After waiting by the side of the road for about three

hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver

$5,000 to take the penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and

sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500

penguins walking single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says,

"What's going on? I gave you $5,000 to take these

penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the

zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going

to see a movie."

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he
was
asked to judge. The purpose of
the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was
an
elderly gentleman who had
recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy
went
into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him
what
he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a
family. One little boy in the picture
had a different color hair than the other family members. One child
suggested that he was adopted and
a little girl said, "I know all about adoptions because I was
adopted." "What does it mean to be
adopted?" asked another child. "It means," said the girl, "that you
grew
in your mommy's heart instead
of her tummy."

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the
doctor
looked down her ears with an
otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The
little girl stayed silent. Next, the
doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He
asked,
"Do
you think I'll find the Cookie
Monster down there" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the
doctor
put a stethoscope to her chest. As
he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear
Barney
in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl
replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that
was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the
bench
on the first-base line, I
asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to
nothing,"
he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a
puzzled look on his face."Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
been
up to bat yet."

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think
about
little Jamie Scott. Jamie was
trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that
he'd
set his heart on being in it, though
she feared he would not be chosen.. On the day the parts were
awarded,
I
went with her to collect him
after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and
excitement. "Guess what Mom," he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me:
"I've been chosen to clap
and cheer."

A lesson in "heart" is my little 10 year old daughter, Sarah, who
was
born with a muscle missing in her
foot and wears a brace all the time. She came home one beautiful
spring
day to tell me she had
competed in "field day" - that's where they have lots of races and
other
competitive events. Because of
her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of encouragement
for
my Sarah, things I could say to
her about not letting this get her down, but before I could get a
word
out, she said "Daddy, I won two of
the races!" I couldn't believe it! And then Sarah said, "I had an
advantage." Ah. I knew it. I thought she
must have been given a head start... some kind of physical
advantage.
But again, before I
could say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't get a head start...
My
advantage was I had to try harder!"

An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in
December:
A
little boy about 10 years old
was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted,
peering
through the window, and
shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My
little
fellow, why are
you looking so earnestly in that window?" "I was asking God to give
me
a
pair of shoes," was the boy's
reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store and
asked
the clerk to get half a dozen
pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a
basin
of water and a towel.
He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the
back
part of the store and, removing her
gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a
towel.
By this time the clerk had
returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she
purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied
up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted
him
on
the head and said, "No doubt,
my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?" As she turned to
go,
the astonished lad
caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in
his
eyes, answered the question with
these words: "Are you God's Wife?"

----- An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know a pint goes flat after a draw on it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice, and all fall silent.. When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, the a light dawns on him and he laughs. "Oh no, everybody's just fine." He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."

A new two-year degree is being offered at most Universities that
many of you (or someone you know) should be interested in:

Becoming a Husband.

That's right! In just six trimesters, you too can be a great
husband as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look
over the program outline.
This is too funny not to share with you
FIRST YEAR

Fall Schedule:
> MEN 101     Combating Stupidity
> MEN 102     You, Too, Can Do Housework
> MEN 103     PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
> MEN 104     Women Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

> Winter Schedule:
> MEN 110     Wonderful Laundry Techniques
> MEN 111     Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
> MEN 112     Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
> EAT 100     Get a Life, Learn to Cook I
> EAT 101     Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
> ECON 001A   What's Hers is Hers

> Spring Schedule:
> MEN 120      How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
> MEN 121      Understanding Your Incompetence
> MEN 122      YOU, the Weaker Sex
> MEN 123      Reasons to Give Flowers
> ECON 001B    What Was Yours is Hers

> SECOND YEAR
> Fall Schedule:
> SEX 101      You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
> SEX 102      Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
> SEX 103      How to Stay Awake After Sex
> MEN 201      How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
> Elective     (See Electives Below)

> Winter Schedule:
> MEN 210      The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
> MEN 211      How to Not Act Younger than Your Children!
> MEN 212      You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
> MEN 213      Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
> MEN 230A     Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I

> Spring Schedule:
> MEN 220      Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary(Pass/Fail Only)
> MEN 221      Fanning the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
> MEN 222      Real Men Ask for Directions
> MEN 223      Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
> MEN 230B     Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

> Course Electives:
> EAT 101       Cooking with Tofu
> EAT 102       Utilization of Eating Utensils
> EAT 103       Burping and Belching Discreetly
> MEN 231       Mothers-in-law
> MEN 232       Appear to Be Listening
> MEN 233       Just Say "Yes, Dear"
> ECON 001C     Cheaper to Keep Her

Subject: Just Checking In

A minister passing through his church
in the middle of the day,
Decided to pause by the altar
and see who had come to pray.

Just then the back door opened,
a man came down the aisle,
The minister frowned as he saw
the man hadn't shaved in a while.

His shirt was kinda shabby
and his coat was worn and frayed,
the man knelt, he bowed his head,
Then rose and walked away.

In the days that followed,
each noon time came this chap,
each time he knelt just for a moment,
A lunch pail in his lap.

Well, the minister's suspicions grew,
with robbery a main fear,
He decided to stop the man and ask him,
"What are you doing here?"

The old man said, he worked down the road. Lunch was
half an hour.
Lunch time was his prayer time,
For finding strength and power.

"I stay only moments, see,
because the factory is so far away;
as I kneel here talking to the Lord,
This is kinda what I say:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.

DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY."

The minister feeling foolish,
told Jim, that was fine.
He told the man he was welcome
To come and pray just anytime.

Time to go, Jim smiled, said
"Thanks." He hurried to the door.
The minister knelt at the altar,
he'd never done it before.

His cold heart melted, warmed with love, and met with
Jesus there.
As the tears flowed, in his heart,
he repeated old Jim's prayer:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY."

Past noon one day, the minister noticed
that old Jim hadn't come.
As more days passed without Jim,
he began to worry some.

At the factory, he asked about him,
learning he was ill.
The hospital staff was worried,
But he'd given them a thrill.

The week that Jim was with them,
Brought changes in the ward.
His smiles, a joy contagious.
Changed people, were his reward.

The head nurse couldn't understand
why Jim was so glad,
when no flowers, calls or cards came,
Not a visitor he had.

The minister stayed by his bed,
He voiced the nurse's concern:
No friends came to show they cared.
He had nowhere to turn.

Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up
and with a winsome smile;
"the nurse is wrong, she couldn't know,
that in here all the while

everyday at noon He's here,
a dear friend of mine, you see,
He sits right down, takes my hand,
Leans over and says to me:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM,
HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP,
AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN.

ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY,
I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY,
AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS
CHECKING IN TODAY."

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their
wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me
that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's
incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm
God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."